I wanted to to get you guys updated on whats been going on but all I found were entries up to last november...I guess I'll just have to post here more often in the future!
heres a link to my writings groups website if your interested in looking at what I have been up to in the mean time!~ [link]


Tonights meeting

* Nov. 14th, 2008 at 5:15 PM


Salutations!
There will be a meeting tonight at 6 pm at The Cofee Society across the street from DeAnza so whomever is interested can show up!
If you have writing you want to look at Bring it!
There are only two of us officially meeting, 2 of three that usually come so there is plenty of room for more!
I usually bring my tarot cards so we can create characters or do readings if you want!
TTFN!
Jillianchan
Tags:



Is this a bad time?

* Oct. 9th, 2008 at 4:09 PM


Hello all you people who haven't heard from me in awhile and actually care!
Just wanted to let you know I'm alive and well. well...as well as I can be with my mom just out of the hospital for a staff infection and being on academic probation can be.
I am still working on the club for writers and just posted on the deanza site on lj about it...I am hoping to get responses from the 40 members of that group soon....I also want to mention that I have made a great friend from school...her name is vivian and she is probably one of my best friends that I have ever found in my life....! I feel so comfortable around her and I can talk about anything around her without the embarassment I usually get...we are thinking of getting together tomorrow for a kind of girls night out and a movie night to watch Iron man or la vie en rose at her house. we had coffee today before she had to go to class and we chatted about everything and anything under the sun...she is so cool!!! I know I am ranting a little about how great she is but...shes the first friend on campus that was willing to become a great friend off campus as well! TTFN!
Jillianchan

* Location:media lab
* Mood: stoned with happiness
* Music:Snow patrol, I could stay away forever



Rat in the kitchen

* Sep. 20th, 2008 at 3:09 PM


This may seem a bit gross of a topic to start with but...it kinda is hard to avoid when you can smell it all across the house...did I mention its a dead rat? there has been this smell pervading my house for the past week and we only just today pulled out our fridge and cleaned the filter. There is where the decomposing corpse was and has probably been for awhile...gross...I was vomiting from the smell and had to leave the house for awhile....anyway back to more pleasent topics...my neices birthday went without a hitch yesterday...she got a drum set that she can bang her frustrations out on down in the basement of her house and drive her mother and sister mad with. its probably only amusing because I am never there but....I still laugh!
Another thing I would like to mentioin is that I am revamping my stories on FF.net...the first chapter is up if any of you wanna go take a look! Tell me what ya think...I'm still debating where I should go with the next chapter but I do have a written possibility that should be up once I have made up my mind!
Another thing going on is my writing club is starting to take off! I have two other people interested on Facebook and they have friends who they think would be interested as well so I may have quite a group on my hands pretty soon!Also I may in the next week have a website up for the club so check back soon!
Wish us luck!

* Location:Library
* Mood: chipper



Aug. 15th, 2008

* 11:36 PM


Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||| 18%
Stability |||||||||||||| 54%
Orderliness |||||| 22%
Accommodation |||||||||||| 50%
Interdependence || 10%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Mystical |||||||||||||||| 63%
Artistic |||||||||||||||| 63%
Religious |||||||||||||||| 70%
Hedonism || 10%
Materialism |||||||||||| 43%
Narcissism |||||| 23%
Adventurousness || 10%
Work ethic || 10%
Humanitarian |||||||||||| 43%
Conflict seeking || 10%
Need to dominate |||| 16%

Romantic |||||||||||||| 56%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Wealth |||||| 23%
Dependency |||||||||||| 50%
Change averse |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Cautiousness |||||||||||| 50%
Individuality |||| 16%
Sexuality |||||||||||| 43%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Family drive |||| 16%
Physical Fitness |||| %
Histrionic |||||||||||| 43%
Paranoia |||||||||||||| 56%
Vanity |||||||||||||||| 63%
Honor |||||| 30%
Thriftiness |||| 16%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

ISTP - "Engineer". Values freedom of action and following interests and impulses. Independent, concise in speech, master of tools. 5.4% of total population.
Take Free Jung Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Main type

Variant

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Enneagram Test Results
Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||| 33%
Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||| 36%
Type 3 Image Awareness |||||| 30%
Type 4 Sensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||| 46%
Type 7 Adventurousness || 10%
Type 8 Aggressiveness |||| 20%
Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||| 53%
Your main type is 4
Your variant is self pres
Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||| 58%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Schizotypal |||||| 26%
Antisocial || 10%
Borderline |||||||||||||||| 70%
Histrionic |||||| 22%
Narcissistic |||| 18%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 46%
Dependent |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||| 34%
Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

I have issues with...
work
race
health
father
creativity
Take Word Association Test



Starting club

* Jun. 30th, 2008 at 12:20 PM


As you may or may not know I am starting a club at the college I attend: a writing club.
And while I have a few members that are enthusiastic I don't actually have enough to start an official club come fall quarter...which is really depressing..I know I should be patient but I really want to get this going...if just to get me more involved in my school and get me out of the house. I am taking courses this summer and will be on campus to meet people who are interested so I hope that member sign ups pick up a little in the coming weeks!




New Online RPG/Forum

* Apr. 24th, 2008 at 10:55 PM


Hello!!!
Me and my niece have decided to try and start an online RPG/Forum together. Right now I'm looking for mods and ideas. THe premise is that it a school for magic/mutants/magical creatures.....interesting?
Well, it takes place in a High School and I'm looking for admininstrators/teachers and Students. So if your interested in helping out or participating go here:

[link]



GaiaOnline
* Mood: Pain
* Listening to: Drops of Jupiter, Train


* Mood: Cheerful
* Listening to: Drops of Jupiter, Train

Apr. 4th, 2007

* 11:17 PM


The Everything Test
There are many different types of tests on the internet today. Personality tests, purity tests, stereotype tests, political tests. But now, there is one test to rule them all.

Traditionally, online tests would ask certain questions about your musical tastes or clothing for a stereotype, your experiences for a purity test, or deep questions for a personality test.We're turning that upside down - all the questions affect all the results, and we've got some innovative results too! Enjoy

Personality
You are more emotional than logical, more concerned about others than concerned about self, more atheist than religious, more loner than dependent, more lazy than workaholic, more rebel than traditional, more engineering mind than artistic mind, more cynical than idealist, more leader than follower, and more introverted than extroverted.

As for specific personality traits, you are innovative (86%), adventurous (62%), romantic (57%).

Stereotypes
College Student 100%
Old Geezer 67%
Punk Rock 60%

Life Experience
Sex 25%
Substances 3%
Travel 21%

Politics
Your political views would best be described as Liberal, whom you agree with around 39% of the time. Socioeconomic
Your attitude toward life best associates you with Lower Middle Class. You make more than 47% of those who have taken this test, and 77% less than the U.S. average.

If your life was a movie, it would be rated PG.
By the way, your hottness rank is 36%, hotter than 2% of other test takers.

March 30 2007
* 7:57 PM


I am so excited!!!I just wrote a whole page, brand new, for my fancic....I'm still not done with the chapter but its a start!! but something I'm not too excited over...I'm getting sick!


* Mar. 26th, 2008 at 9:52 PM


[protected post] New Beta

* Mar. 20th, 2008 at 1:12 PM


I am really gonnna have to do something about my W2 Form that went missing, it is nowhere to be found and it due in about a month....I could just guesstamate what should be there but I would really prefer to be exact, I mean it does go to the goverment....and they can make my life miserable if I don't play thier games.
*sigh* I really need therapy...I am so emotionally detached.
I mean I can feel emotion...its just so covered up and ignored that I'm kinda numb to it now....I know how I should feel but it just doesn't happen.
Sorry to ramble on but this is what a diary/journal is for right?
I make great plans but I never really follow through...thats my main problem...following through.
I lost my first love because I couldn't get up and send a letter until it was too late. He's getting married this month and still thinks of me as a good friend, nothing more.
I hope that he is happy, its does please me to know he can be. It doesn't help with how hurt I am...but his happiness is more important at this point. I lost my chance....my loss right?

It really pisses me off that the few times I try to be social I end up hooking up with people that couldn't care less if Ilived or died, as long as I wasn't disturbing them. What I am refering to is the knitting group that I stumbled upon a few weeks ago, they are just a bunch of bitches, or at least most of them. Or is that just me being paranoid? I expect failure in everythng I do, so am not surprised, I'm relieved even, when I find it. The one girl in the group that I can stand is one of the founders and she is nice enough. I just get so nervous around people that its just easier to avoid them.

I just got offered a beta and was offered a job as a beta. What a day...I missed class again...I really don't care at this point....I really don't care about much these days. I also have been offered a job as an editor of a Literary Magazine that a guy, Chris, in my Astronomy class is trying to start up. He seems to be a capable guy but I cant help but be a little nervous about it.
If it does fall through I can still keep it on my resume and its a good experience booster, I guess.
Considering that I have no new chapters in mind for my story a beta is not needed, but I would welcome the distraction of being someones beta.

* Locationedroom



Rare Ranting from a Raging Author.....GRRRR!!!!

* Feb. 28th, 2008 at 3:24 PM


I usually don't go on rants when it comes to my stories but this review mad me mad as hell:

This is crap. It has no title, no author named at the beggining and it has the coherence of a dead duck. Please delete this piece of garbage or at least have the decency of put the other two snippets here using the chaptering feature.

And for the love of the god you believe in, READ the guidelines.

I am not mad because it is a bad review I'm mad because that is all it is!!!
I mean if your gonna insult someones work at least do it in a constructive way!!!
And if your gonna insult a person's format or grammar at least get your spelling right!!!!!!
It's spelled beginning idiot not beggining.....I can't even spell it the way you did!!!

Another thing, if your gonna review and remain anon. your either being a coward or you just don't want to have the ramifications of your review come back to haunt you.....

This isn't the first review of its kind I have received....but it is the first that I have ranted about here...

Give at LEAST ONE example of where you saw incoherency....so you can help me improve and save you an eyesore!!!!UGGGGGGGGG!

Its 119 words long and I was intending to scrunch them into a single story as soon as I had enough....and knew what people thought of them separately!!


I know I'm being slightly overboard here but it makes me mad that people believe and do get away with being bad reviewers!!!If your not gonna spend time finding specific things you don't like about a story...or peice of one....than don't write a review at all!!!!!!
Here's the piece if you don't wanna go to ff.net to look at it....

Snippet 1- Wedding

My shoes are new, white sandals with pretty pink flowers on the side. My tights are mostly white but the knees are mostly green from playing tag. Bruder is standing at the other side of the red carpet walkway that runs across the grass in front of me and I start walking to him with my basket of flower petals.

Reading his lips I stop, I remember that I'm the flower girl and I have to throw flowers. I reach in and grab a handful of the petals and hastily throw them over my shoulder. Some get in my hair but I continue walking towards bruder, who is smiling at me with a thumbs up, I smile and continue walking.I haven't gone far before I stop and look down at the flowers in my basket.

I see that half the flowers are gone and I hear giggles from the people sitting at the round tables on either side of me . I bite my lip and blush a deep red, tears leaking from the corners of my eyes.


I know its not very long but it did meet the guidelines....it was more than one line and it wasn't an authors note! Its actually something from a writing class that I am taking this quarter and I have been told that it is good and very cute!!!


I take this very seriously because I don't get alot of reviews anyway so what I do receive is very precious to me as a writer and critiques hit me hard when I do receive them....I take them into account and I'm not saying I don't take criticism well.
I just don't think this could be considered a critique..this would be a bash or someone looking for something to rip up for the fun of it. I know people have gotten worse and I really don't think this is that bad...it just hurts a little that he could have taken the time to give me a decent review but he didn't.
It isn't helpful and it just....doesn't serve any purpose but to hurt and cut down....thats all I'm upset about really....
I really sit down and give long decent reviews when I do review...and I am sorry to say that I don't do it very often..review I mean.
I want my reviews to help the authors improve and to inspire them....and I have gotten emails from authors who have appreciated my novelettes of reviews.
I don't expect anyone to turn around and give me a ten page paper on how great I am but I do wish that more people would spend the time necessary to write reviews that help rather than hurt authors.
We have so few really great authors on FanFiction and I would hate to think that it's because of the lack of reviews or the low quality of them.
We have a load of crappy authors that could improve a great deal with a good review or beta reader.I just would hate to think that these mediocre authors are only mediocre because we let them remain so.
As a writer I have grown a great deal due to the fantastic reviewers and beta readers that I have come into contact with. I really do think that they don't get the respect or honor they deserve for giving such a great service to us mediocre and great authors alike.




OKAY RANT OVER!!!

Glad to get that off of my chest...!!! Now onto the rest of my life!


I have a macroeconomics midterm in about two hours...and I have the inkling that I don't have an inkling of an idea of what its all about!!!
I did study so don't tell me its because I didn't and I'm a slacker....well...the slacker thing could be true but lets not go there.
I haven't written in awhile so I might as well start at my birthday week, feb 8, which was a little bit of a let down.
I turned 21 but I couldn't get anything alcoholic because my id card was late in coming by mail....but I was too sick anyway so it really didn't matter.
On another bad note my Driving permit, yes I know I have a driving permit at 21, expired so I have to take the test again to get a new one....in the next week I will do it I promise.
My parents don't know and I do hope they never do until I get a new one and have taken the actual driving test for the third time.
I really have no idea what is wrong with me but I am in no hurry to drive....which pisses my dad off big time. Its not the car either...my car is a miata convertible that I really love to drive!!
Thats about all thats been going on so far so.....TTFN!


* Location:campus center
* Mood: pissed off and depressed
* Music:Michelle Branche-you get me



Feb. 26th, 2008

* 6:38 PM


its been awhile since I last posted...so I just thought I would post something while I'm sitting here, bored out of my skull before I head off to economics...shiver
I mean the class wouldn't be so bad if the teacher wouldn't go off on tangents and further confuse students whom are only taking the class to satisfy credits for transfer.
I am forty minutes late now and am considering just going home instead of going to class....but I have a midterm to study for on Thursday and should be there for the class before it....though I have missed most of the classes and still have a decent grade in the class, decent meaning a b-.
I just really don't feel like doing anything right now and I have tons of things that I SHOULD be doing. It is so easy to slack off at deanza, it kinda pisses me off. I'm usually not this torn about skipping class but I guess my guilty feeling is getting the better of me today.
He'll probably give the same boring lecture but I should go anyway.....see ya later.



widget

* Dec. 22nd, 2007 at 6:36 PM




Interesting....

* Nov. 19th, 2007 at 12:44 PM


Not reeally interesting but I did not get my poem reviewed last week, we only had five minutes left and I was happy to oblige the rest of my class an extra weekend to appraise my work. I'm really nervous and am really debating just sending a note in my place explaining my poem...really lame but I really am vomit my guts out nervous...really and to top it off I forgot to take a shower this morning and my deodorant is not keeping up very well with my stickiness...this really sucks by the way if your prepubescent and have no idea what deodorant is and why it is a necessity...which it is.
I didn't go to yoga, which really would have helped my mood if not my deodorant problem. I forgot my stuff in my sisters car and she locked the doors and walked off before I could complain...and then when I got to the computer lab to hang out for a few hours on the computer, I find out that I have two books overdue with a fine off 12 dollars total...and I can't check out a computer. I gave one of my library books to my niece, not smart, and she has yet to return it. I'm not gonna totally freak out yet but I am gonna nag her about it.
then, just as you thought this was gonna end, I go into the other computer lab that is in no way connected to the library, and find that I have to have a password to get on a bloody computer. So I go to target and do some pick me up shopping, planning to spruce up my written journal only to find that it isn't in my bag...so I'm stuck with a bunch of stickers and punch out things that I have no way to use until I get home....at 9 pm tonight.
I eventually find another writing journal and write a lousy paragraph for my DBZ story...That I have a little bit of writers block on how to continue...I know where I want to go but the problem is getting there...and how everyone fits in...but it is a paragraph in the right direction...I'll post it on my writing journal....


I should post more often...

* Nov. 14th, 2007 at 9:31 AM




I know nobody is reading this but I have the distinct impression that anyone who is becomes very frustrated when I don't post at least once a week and twice on weekends. I get frustrated when I don't post that often. So why shouldn't anyone else?

I'm on ravelry under the same name, if anyone here would like to look. I don't have any friends there and would like some knitting buddies. In other news I was sick all the last week and am still recovering with sniffles and clogged up air passages. A friend from work, a forty something woman that has known my family for at least twenty years, was sick for two weeks with what I had. Her version was more servere than mine, she was throwing up any time she was coughing. My cough was bad, but not that bad. I'm presenting one of my poems in class today, my poetry writing class, and I would like some good luck wishes if you can give them, I'm really nervous. The poem I gave the class was a personal poem that was a volta of two very personal events in my life. A volta is where you take to seperate things and put them side by side in an "a""b""a""b" format, one stanza of the first followed by another of the second. My "a" was my ex-boyfriend giving me jewelry and my "b" was me describing the viewing of my Nanna at her funeral. Two very dissimilar topics, and very personal. I hope I don't cry during class, I was really broken up about losing my Nanna and when I broke up with Josh. I probably will never totally feel comfortable with how I treated either of them.

I felt really guilty about both of them. I never wanted to go visit my nana because it was so boring in tulare but I'll never really get over that the weekend before she died we had planned to go visit but due to my complaining my mother decided not to go. I got to say goodbye in the hospital but I really would have liked to at least have a last conversatioin with her before she died.

I dumped poor Josh over the phone, I know thats really bad but I just couldn't tell him in person. Every time I tried I just couldn't! I had been trying to for at least two weeks but couldn't get up the courage to break it off. I had very good reasons for breaking it off and I have no qualms with doing it but I do have problems with the method. He doesn't seem too bothered by it but then again he never really took me seriously. That was one of the main reasons, I can't stand it when someone blows me off as being insignificant, whether it was intentional or not is inconsiquential. I could never have a serious conversation because he would always blow me off with a don't worry about it or something like that. It got on my nerves. Otherwise he was a real sweet guy. I cried for a full two weeks after that, but I am getting over it. I'll find another boyfriend soon, but it is kinda lonely right now.

Anyway, I'll post the responses here or on my other journal within the next couple of days.

* Location:Computer lab
* Mood: gloomy
* Music:None



Oct. 31st, 2007

* 1:22 PM


These are just a few entries in my new journals that I just got a few weeks ago, ok so not very new but...~(tounge sticking out)

I can't put my cap on my pen. that is so annoying. chaos ddin't want to see stardust so here we are in borders talking about starwars. Bed bugs do bite and Chaos is getting married in March.
Nothing is easy, walking is painful
Calligraphy has its good points but I still prefer my own hand writing. At least for everday purposes. This pen is annoying, its ink is too wet! The blue is more of a purple.

Here I pick up a different color, black, I was writing in blue, if you couldn't tell!

Until it dries at least, chaos and I parted way and I am heading home after having been on my feet for close to six hours

I'm on the bus while writing this, with a calligraphy pen. Can anyone see a disaster named inkblot?

I had fun though and I hope we can do this again sometime.
Haven't seen or heard from chaos in about a month.
I'm not close friends with her but chaos has many of the qualities I would look for in a good friend. She is my sisters age but I still feel a little intimidated by her, because she is so much more worldly than anyone else I know. I also get the feeling that she has been terribly hurt and is very careful because of it.

sound like anyone you know?

She hides alot but is still friendly, but not open. I hope we remain in contact when she moves to texas with her fiance in the spring. She deserves happiness and I hope she has found it with him, on a more personal note,

very cliche don't ya think?

I still am looking for that perfect man, even a best friend would be nice.

I don't see anyone filling out applications...

A guy who is a friend would be as nice as a girl who is a friend. I'm going to schedule my DL test again soon and shold be driving by myself by this spring

Not likely

Hispanic men are ugly in my opinion, Antonio Bandaras is the only exception. They just arn't attractive to me. African-americans are cuter but I like white guys best, I don't know why! I don't think thats racist.

Random subject change...well thats the last for that day...I'll post the next one in the same format... this should be interesting.



[private post] Oct. 3rd, 2007

* 11:59 AM


[link]


liFE sUcKs....and then you die!

* Jul. 31st, 2007 at 1:12 PM


I am crying here and realizing, not for the first time, how pathetically lonely and depressed I am. I have no real friends and I can't help but think that its my fault. I don't know why I have such a problem with people getting close to me, its riduculus! i have no shoulder to cry on because of my lack of trust, I am so lonely because I have not allowed anyone to get close enough to really love me becaus of the inane fear tat trust will be violated.
I have a disfunctional family that is totally detached from reality. I don't know how to act my age because I have not been around people my own age long enough to figure it out. I am so screwed up and ugly, unwanted by my family and the opposite sex, and only tolerated because of a sense of duty not love.
I need to get my life together before I lose it completly.
All my family has hurt me, and I have detached my self so much in an effort to protect my dying heart.
I wish my friends from high school would contact me, I know at least two of them who are still living in the area. They were the closest to my heart and I regret terribly that I don't call them myself. I should really call them to get together sometime.
I have been balling throughout this whole blog, tears cover my face and my eyes are red. Its at least 11 o'clock here in Utah at my aunts house where I have been staying for the last week. I am going back how on sunday and will most likely get my computer fixed by the next weekend.
Sorry to bore you with this pity party I'm having but on the good side I am having fun here and I am really excited to tell all my faithful readers that the first paragraph to the next part of my story ASHAY is written and I am thinking about posting it to my lit journal here on livejournal for you to take a look at!
AU REVOIR TOUTE LE MONDE!!
TRANSLATION: GOOD-BYE EVERYONE!!

* Location:Herriman, Utah
* Mood: unwanted
* Music:Cd Player is dead...>



Jun. 14th, 2007

* 10:27 AM


The sorting hat says that I belong in Ravenclaw!

Said Ravenclaw, "We'll teach those whose intelligence is surest."

Ravenclaw students tend to be clever, witty, intelligent, and knowledgeable.
Notable residents include Cho Chang and Padma Patil (objects of Harry and Ron's affections), and Luna Lovegood (daughter of The Quibbler magazine's editor).

Take the most scientific Harry Potter Quiz ever created.

Get Sorted Now!


* Jun. 10th, 2007 at 9:46 PM


What are your favorite and least favorite words? Any reasons why?
I have to say that gay is my least favorite word. The reason being that its not really used properly in today's speech and used waaayyy too often to describe anything from aliens landing to the shirt your wearing to school. I mean can you come up with a more descriptive word to say how you dislike a person because of thier lack of social skills? shen you say thats so gay what are you really saying? it is nothing but verbage that has just as much place in intelligent speech as swear words do!
a word or phrase I have to say I love is Non Sequitor, a french phrase meaning something that doesn't add up or just doesn't belong. I think I mostly like it because I sound so intelligent when someone has to ask what I am saying because they don't know french. I actually like the whole french language mostly because you can insult a person bitterly and sound like your reading them love poetry.

* Location:hallway
* Mood: tired


Jun. 5th, 2007

* 2:49 PM


wow...how long has it been since I last posted???more than a week I'm sure...I really haven't been too busy but I just haven't been in the mood to type up the story of my life every afternoon or evening. I really should get into the habit of writing my feelings down somewhere just sot I can get my mind around them and know what they are. I am on a general basis not much of a talker but more of a thinker...I have alot of thoughts around two in the morning that never make it down on paper or on the computer. The main reason for my lethargy is that I really have no inspireation for writing or typing sown my thoughts to be critiqued by the masses. I am a very sensitive person and I critique myself enough to make the toughest writer ball his eyes out. I'm my worst critic and I have a disposition that many find very cold and uncaring. At least that is how I feel about it when none of my so called friends will call me or email me to ask if I wanna hang out. I know this is a two way street but if they know me well enough shouldn't they know that I won't call on my own? I mean I want them to call me not because I am not interested its just I over think things and berated myself for things that I don't do later. I ahve had whole conversations that never happened in my head. I have these totally over analyzing sessions that I scare myself into not doing what I think of doing until I can't do it at all. Its very frustrating and dibilitating.
I also have my driving test on friday at 8 40 in the morning...damn it...I don't even THINK about getting up that early on the weekdays. I also just found out that the DMV that I'm going to is prone to flunking people, that just put the icing on the cake don't it? I gues you could say that I am not excited about getting my license.
I would be lying if I'm not pissed of at my bank for messing up my finances for the next month but I also could say that I should be used to it by now. My bank treats me like shit because I have a lower income than most of thier customers.
I have alot more to rant about but I just am not in the mood to type it up...I also have a chapter for my story that never got typed up that I need to type up in the next week or so... I posted it on FicWad.net already so go check it out!

* Location:Living room
* Mood: Lethargic
* Music:my head hurt too much.
Mar. 23rd, 2007

* 9:59 AM


glitter textglitter textglitter textglitter textglitter textglitter textglitter textglitter textglitter textglitter textglitter text graphicsmyspaceLyrics

lol...this is just some lettering that I found...looks cool!


True love

* Mar. 22nd, 2007 at 9:59 AM


I found a very cute and cool story today...and it made me think of a similar experience I had...
I met the guy of my dreams at my school and we were friends for almost a year before he moved away....he had given me his address but when I mailed a letter it didn't work...and got sent back. I was devistated and cried non-stop for about three days and was miserable for about three years....
About two years after though I got a letter in the mail...thier was no return adress and I didn't know who it was from until I opened it...It was from him!!!

We got to writing letters for about three years but during my senior year he stopped emailing me. I eventually heard back from him a few months before graduation to tell me that he had out grown me and moved on...I was heartbroken....I don't think that I'm over it still. He tore my heart out...when I trusted him so much!!!

I still don't have a steady relationship and I am very antisocial...partially because of what he did and partially what my other bf did....

The story that made me think of this was at:
[link]
I hope Thier story works out...good luck!




[protected post] Voice Post

* Mar. 21st, 2007 at 8:25 AM


VoicePost Help
402K 2:05
(transcribe)



my fucked up week begins!

* Mar. 20th, 2007 at 9:56 AM


oh no!!! my bank won't let me into my account so... I can't fix my computer!!!I'm really pissed and stressed out, why won't they let me have money I know is there? I'm hoping they let me have it today but...I'm not really optimistic about it...but good news is that I have 2 new reviews on my story on fanfiction.net!!! Its from a author that I worship too!!!I might actually write again, if I get my money...which brings me back to square one again!!! I found my cell phone though...but I wanted to find that last disk to my recovery disk set!!!ugh! nothings going right....and I need to do a presentation in french on friday! this sucks!!!! and I need to do a presentation on monday too!! in english though, so its not so bad. I might just start writing in my live journal literary journal later....maybe...if I'm in the mood...and it may be in french...just to spite everyone that thinks I can't spell in either english or any other language...namely my family. what lovely people they are...my sister was willing to ditch me because I couldn't get money to buy a bus ticket home...which is a load of crap...I buy her breakfast at jamba juice for three weeks and then she says she doesn't owe me a ride home? my dad had to come down and pick me up, he wasn't happy with her either and I don't envy her in the slightest.

* Location:computer lab
* Mood: scatterbrained
* Music:my batteries dead on my mp3 player...waaaaaaaa!



Mar. 19th, 2007

* 11:38 AM


My computer crashed on satarday....and when I went to find the disks to recover it... I couldn't find the last one...I looked all over! I ended up finding my cellphone which has been missing for the last three to four months...which was good...but I still want to find that disk! If I cannot find it by thursday I'll have to call the computer company and buy the whole set from them for twenty bucks...I know that doesnt sound like much but it is to a college student on a limited budget. I'd would be really lame if I found the darn thing after I had already ordered the replacements...

* Location:Computer lab
* Mood: grrrr!
* Music:chilly down, Labyrinth soundtrack


Just looking back...

* Mar. 7th, 2007 at 11:23 AM


I was just looking at an older journal I had kept about three years back and I nearly fell into depression again at the memories. In high school I had a group of people that I hung out with but no real friends. I have real trust issues and I realize, looking back, that the deep friendships that I was looking for were not possible while I continued to treat people the way I did. I still am no a social person, a very lonely discontented irresponsible chronically depressed person. I tend to attract people that tend to use me and then discard me. Most of my so called friends in elementary school eventually betrayed me in one way or another. that coupled with the life at home that I had and still have....created a very closed and scared girl. my worst fear in a relationship is for it just to be about me being used. Like anyone else I hate when the only purpose of the relationship is what they can get out of it. My last boyfriend was the same way in a more deceptive way. He just liked the perks of living of my hard earned cash. He was really sneaky about it though, took me awhile to figure it out along with some other unsatisfactory personality traits of him and his family. I don't make friends, real ones, lightly...I still keep in contact with a friend I have had since fifth grade...though she has begun to fade a little since she left the church and found other friends. I know I need to make an effort to keep friends but I always thought that they would meet me in the middle or some other nonsense. I was miserable in HS and still am unhappy in College. I hope to meet some true friends that are willing to make an effort to get to know me before brushing me off. I'm about to start crying...great...but I don't think anyone will care....god I really don't need to think that right now...think happy thoughts! I have nearly lost interest in my writing because this cloud seems to loom over everything I do...I never really please my parents anymore because of the childish belief that theyreally just will notice. I want thier attention so badly...yet I am am past the point where I want it really...I don't feel comfortable talking to my mom about anything that a mother should be talking to her daughter about. And I really don't like talking about sex to anyone....I have this warped view of it because my mother never seemed to care....she only wanted to know about my period when she saw bloody underwear in the fifth grade and wanted an explination. I had to look up in a BOOK what exactly was going on....I was terrified and I had no one to turn too. I still don't. If you have seen my work on deviantart...thier is some poetry that would tell of my feelings on my mother alot better...I cant think of it right now... If anyone sees this post...please comment...I really don't care what you say...



Was I really this depressed?

* Mar. 7th, 2007 at 9:43 AM


28 Mar 2003 - my fucking life and how i am invisible for all of time
i am flunking three of my classes, now most of you reading this would have not realized how bad this is if you did not know my current school condition, well the condition is that if i flunk any of my classes then i am kicked out of the school.
i really wouldnt like this but it sure is blurry on how my so called freinds would react i mean they dont even seem worried when i am gone for a day and i was complaining all the fucking day before that i was feeling like crap, and even when i was complaining a bit they didnt seem to notice or give a flying fuck about my feelings.after school they neither contact me by phone or emial and it is starting to get me really pissed off, and if you know me then you know how pissed i have to fucking get before i swear up a fucking storm like this. i dont like doing it but thats how i fucking feel. i feel incredibly un loved and i dont think they would care if i died tommorow idont even think they would notice i was gone, till about ten years later when they all had a ten year reuninon and they noticed i wasnt there or my fucking retard asshole of a sister would scream and yell at them for not being at the fucking funeral.
they would be sorry for a while but that wouldnt last a fucking week, at the rate thier going, it just pisses me off that just because i dont like to talk at i dont fucking exist or something along those lines.
basically i feel invisible and i think partially it is my fault for being so quiet but hell holly and jennie are quiet and they are missed when they are sick or arnt thier for a day or two.hell!!when i am sick i have to tell people that i was sick before anyone takes notice and even when they do it is fleeting and doesnt last long.probably if i didnt have sean to notice when i sound sick on the freaking phone i would have commited suicide by now, but at least i have him and as long as i do i can deal with my pathetic excuse for a life and live with the seeming rejection of my parents, siblings, and "friends"

* Mood: discontent



Berkley

* Mar. 7th, 2007 at 9:19 AM


I have an hour before my french class. I am really not looking forward to it but am kinda happy about how I'm soing in the class as opposd to last quarter. I am thinking about applying to berkley in the summer for next year because by then I hope to have my gpa up to a 3.0 or above. I meet the miniumum requirements for the gpa right now at a 2.63 but hope to be doing better by then. Anyone know anything about berkley and its english department? I'm going for an english major here at deanza and hope to become a publisher or book editor someday. That is my dream career! Reading books all day for a living, that just sounds great to me for some reason...and I know it wont be all great but the times when it is will surly make up fo the times when it isn't. right now my only problem is getting past math 112....in one piece!

* Location:Coffeeshop across from DeAnza
* Mood: chipper
* Music:Adam's Song, Unknown



New Literary Journal

* Mar. 5th, 2007 at 11:51 AM


I just created a literary journal...nothings there yet but I hope to post some things there soon...maybe even a voice posting....I think thats what I'm gonna use it for inthe future....because I write or think better outloud...and I have a microphone that sucks but is workable....I also have a gizmo account and would be interested in chatting with anyone while I am online....Its so awsome that I can now here the people that I caht with online! I don't think I sound that impressive bu its a good alternative to a phone, which I lost a few weeks ago....and it costs less too! My name on gizmo is Jillianchan too so please look me up!

Gaiaonline

* Feb. 28th, 2007 at 9:51 AM


does anyone go here anymore? I do and most of my friends did at one point. I don't see them much anymore so I would just like to know if anyone here knows what this is and if they go on anymore... ok now thats done I'll get back to the major reason of this post...I'm really trying to get in the habit of at least posting three times a week....Kinda lik a diary type thing to put my feelings and thoughts and fanfic ideas down in....not very origanal but very hard for someone like me to do. Your comments would be appreciated...and may even encourage me to keep posting...Unlike most diaries this can be made public so you'll excuse me if some of my posts are made private...you all know those days that you would like to keep to yourself until you have dealt with them and are ready to share.
I'm thinking of skipping french but know that I cant because I'm already having trouble with it as is. I need it for my english major but have lost most of the enthusiasm I had at the beginning...Its is so hard to learn! I thank God that this is my last year for awhile. I need a 3.0 gpa for transfer and I am close...very close...but I need to get better grades next quarter....I also need at least a 3.0 for my car insurance to not go up in the next year...I think the main reason I am doing poorly is that I just don't find the language interesting anymore...I lose interest easily if you didn't know...depression that follows you like eyore's cloud can do that to ya...I really need to get out more....anyone go to deanza? I really would like to meet new people with similar interests that I can hang out with....most of my high school friends have forgotten me or just lost contact with me. I am not really a good friend now that I think of it....I'm not a very reliable person...I can be there if you make it a priority but ....its hard for me to get involved with other people on a deeper level...not because there isn't one...no I'm not shallow....I just...don't trust people easily...I've learned the hard way that you need to be careful...Betrayal has been a major part of my life for so long that I can only dream of life without it. sad but true...I've just become sick of the abuse....

* Location:Coffeeshop
* Musicrops of Jupiter, Train

Tags:

* betrayal gaiaonline



Going to school...

* Feb. 25th, 2007 at 9:06 PM


I'm watching the Oscars and can't help but comment on how entertaining it has been, hosted by Ellen and all! I can't believe her sometimes! I really am not looking forward to going to school tomorrow, not only because I don't want to go but because I really don't think I will pass the classes I am taking.
My English teacher is probably hated by the majority of my being. She is an egotistical bitch that has no sense of creativity or of appreciation for brilliance or just plain stupid. I just can't stand her, and if you know me that says alot! I hate almost no one, but once your earn a dark mark in my book...its there for life. I don't make friends lightly anymore because of the simple fact that I have learned better. I have been betrayed by most who would call themselves friends and family. True friends I have very few of but those few I do...Thank you, I truly do appreciate how you have stood by me through the years.

Prologue-Just something I posted up on fanfiction.net...

* Feb. 24th, 2007 at 6:57 PM


Prologue

A cold wind blew across the field, stirring the ashes and embers and the only sound was the crashing of the sea below. The remains of a family home lay charred and black amongst ashes from flames that had swallowed it only minutes before. In the sky the clouds were an ominous black and rain began to pour on the remains of the house, the embers that were still burning hissed as they were put out. The rain poured down and turned the ashes to sludge and the roof, the only part of the house left standing after the fire, collapsed. The roof fell with a wet ‘sloop’ as thunder crashed in the background and the sky darkened. As the last remnants of the house fell the the valley was suddenly lit up by a flash of lightning and in its eerie glow a skeletal hand was illuminated . Another flash and an arm came free from the slop and pulled the rest of the corpse out of its watery grave. It was covered in burnt and peeling skin, that hung from its bones. The skeleton stood shakily, and slowly turned towards the eastern shore. Once turned fully, the horrible creature slowly limped towards the lake, pieces of its charred flesh fell to the ground, more of the skeletal remains revealed as it walked. Having reached the shore, the skull tilted and faced upwards into the blackened sky and the rain suddenly stopped and the clouds cleared to reveal a blood red moon.
The glow of the moon flowed over the skeleton and intensified as the clouds covered the moon again.
When the glow subsided, an ethereal beauty stood on the edge of the lake, and a black cloak covered her body. Blood red lips contrasted with the alabaster skin of her face.
A pale hand came from of the left sleeve of her cloak and pushed back the hood of her cloak, revealing her pale face and closed eyes. She smiled. Her eyes opened revealing sparkling emeralds. She looked up at the now pale moon. The eyes closed again reopened a moment later, and slowly draining the world of all its warmth. An icy wind passed, and sends a chill into all creatures. She looked down and bent to move aside some of the rubble. She sneered at no one in particular as she worked, before she spoke.

“Disgusting creatures, humans. Hypocritical…. in denial of their …faults …to the end.” She said, her voice cold enough to send chills down the spine. She grunted as she removed a large piece of foundation and she stood, holding something in her arms. She held up the body of a young child, whose eyes shone with fear and confusion.Its body was covered in abrasions and burns. She cradled the child in her arms and held the child’s head to her chest, stroked its brow and stared down at it with her cold eyes. The child looked up at her in fear and gasped as the woman suddenly snarled and crushed the small, childlike skull between her hands, and smiled at the satisfying crack of breaking bone. Dropping the still twitching corpse to the ground, she stared at it for moment, before she rose to her feet and turned towards the edge of the cliff and stared out into the sea. Her black robe whipped around her blooded ankles and feet and golden hair was blown across her pale face as the wind blew around her. She frowned and cocked her head to the side still looking at the sea, a mad gleam reaching her eyes.
“What shall we do about them, they die so quickly and yet,” she looked down at the girl,”They still continue to populate this world like vermin. Never dying, but never living either.” She held up her hands , dripping with still-warm blood. She looked back to the sky, and licked her hands clean. She closed her eyes and purred contently at the taste of the innocent blood, freshly spilled. She lifted her blood covered face to the sky as she turned and walked away from the cliff’s edge, speaking in a low conspiratorial tone.
“What shall ‘we’ do with them, what shall we do?” she whispered to herself, her beautiful eyes sparkled in the dark.

* Location:Couch....I think I'm sinking...
* Mood: bored
* Music:Addicted, Kelly Clarkson



[protected post] Alone again....

* Feb. 24th, 2007 at 6:42 PM


I know that I rant alot that I'm alone alot on saturdays....but it does get annoying when you ask your friends to go to a movie with you and they don't bother to even respond. Not that this is unsusual for them or me.
I just got back from shopping withe my parents a few hours ago from stanford, and I have to say that I really took a look at my mom's additude and seem to realize just how selfish and immature she really is. I mean she won't do things unless she will enjoy them or if she feels they benifit her... for example we went into this clothing store and she wouldn't even look at the things I liked but when she saw something she liked she immediately bought it. I don't know if its just me being bitter but I have to wonder if she sould have done the same with either of my sisters...she is always looking for things for joelle...she is her favorite I think. Its very discouraging for a parent to always revert back to talking about another sibling when she isn't even there. I want to talk about things with her but I always end up in a conversation about how poor joelle is doing. Its aggravating! I am doing better in school than she is and She still gets all the adoration. She gets away with so much that niether me or my eldest sister would even think of getting away with. My mother has always seemed to see me as just an...addition and not really a part of our family. I know this sounds cruel but it always seems that is a burden for her to ever do what I want to do. She did so many things that my sister never appreciated that I would have loved to have been given. I just don't know what to do to get her to notice and it is disconcerting to realize that...maybe I can't.

* Location:Living room
* Mood: melancholy
* Music:Hear me, Kelly Clarkson



School sucks....or is it the grades?

* Feb. 22nd, 2007 at 9:57 AM


I don't know why I'm posting, maye I just want to get out of this fucking depression ....I don't want to do anything....its a real downer...I really don't know why I'm depressed.....I got makeup for my bday, when I wanted a wii....my two nieces ditched me on my bday for sitting at home watching animal planet....I don't have a boyfriend and I still feel guilty for the way I treated the last one....I know I shouldn't but I just am. I am obsessed with the internet and my laptop....I'm on either one or both for more than twelve hours a day...I have no friends except the ones I meet on the internet and chat with once and awhile....my friends from high school have forgotten me, or it could be me forgetting them. I am alone on a saterday night more often than I am out having a good time...I don't have my license yet....I now have my permit and I am twenty years old. I have a car that I could drive but don't because I hate to drive. I don't know why it makes me nervous to drive it just does, especially the freeway. This christmas I screwed up my family's vacation by not having a cal. ID and not being allowed on the cruise ship my dad had booked....my mom and dad had to come off the boat and we spent christmas with other family that generously allowed us in thier homes...my dad is still furious with me, justified really I am really furious with myself too. what else has gone wrong...oh yeah...I am probably flunking out of my french english classes at college...I need a 3.0 gpa but right now I have a 2.34. My fanfictions are getting less recognition than I would like and I have just realized the futility of writing them...if I don't get reviews whats the point? My bank has screwed me over and I now have -160 dollars in my account and my dad is thinking about firing me from my lame ass job in his office. I scan papers into the computer and file for him...its boring as hell but then again I get payed 8 bucks an hour for sitting on my ass, so who's complaining? Me, thats who! Its boring as hell and I have no social interaction with anyone because it sucks up my day! I get weekends off but who else can say that thier job performance follows them home? I am the quiet one in our loud family so sometimes I get pushed aside or just plain ignored. I get tired of it sometimes....more ranting later....I got to go to class....this sucks.

* Location:Coffee shop
* Music:down so long, Jewel



Wish I was still sick....

* Feb. 20th, 2007 at 8:04 AM


You know how you get sick and you stay at home for three day longer than you could because you just want to delay the ineviatable return to what you would like to forgo forever? Well, the last week that was what I did and today is the dreaded day that I have to return to school. Waking up at six oclock is hard after a week of two in the afternoon...harder than it should be...I have projects due and a test in french...oh happy day! I would skip but my mother has told me that if I do I will need to help her with the housework because she knows I am well enough to go to school. I don't want to admit it bu she is right and has been right for the last two days...though I still have to give my self credit for fooling her for as long as I did and giving myself such a long vacation as I did.
I really can't say I did anything with the time I had, I have no friends and I don't have my license yet. I'm getting closer to the liscense part but friends are another story entirely...I just don't have good social skills, and I am what I like to call chronically depressd. That is the explaination for my laziness when it comes to just about anything...I just don't give a rats ass about cleaning my room. I need to sign off now but will continue this rant soon
-Jillianchan-

* Mood: depressed



Feb. 19th, 2007

* 5:49 AM


[link] just a fun site that has this really cool maze type thing on it...haven't solved it yet...its really hard....or it could be that its two in the morning...

* Location:Living Room
* Mood: depressed
* Music:Hundred, The Fray


Happy birthday to me....

* Feb. 8th, 2007 at 5:52 PM


I really don't have to say I am surprised but.....everyone forgot....even my so called friends...they all frogot that today I am turning 20 years old...They forgot last year too...should I really be surprised? I'm still hurt...

* Location:Home
* Mood: sad
* Musicpen your Eyes-Snow Patrol

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